Cathoholicism

More Humor in the Bible (4)

WOMAN: Jesus, please help me!

JESUS:Not only am I asked to heal Jews, but Gentiles as well.  Will I have to heal dogs, too?

WOMAN: A dog can survive on the scraps from his Master’s table.

PETER: (pokes Jesus in the ribs) She’s got you there, Jesus!

ALL: (laughter)

JESUS: Yes, woman, you’ve gotten the better of me! You are healed.

The Humanity of Jesus:

While God is completely divine, Jesus is part human, and therefore, not much different from Mr. Spock in this regard, has to deal with his human side.  Part of being human is the ebb and flow of our strength.  The Bible contains a few instances that show Jesus in less than “all-powerful” form:

Woman Touches His Cloak: Jesus is in the middle of a crowd when a woman with a 12 year hemorrhaging problem touches his cloak.  Jesus doesn’t see the woman do this, but knows something has happened because he senses a “draining of his power.”

Bread and Fish: In his first bread and fish miracle, Jesus fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, with 12 baskets of food left over after the meal.  Later, Jesus fed 4,000 people with 7 loaves of bread and more than two fish, with only 7 baskets of food left over after the meal. So, either the crowd of 4,000 was WAAY more famished than the first group of 5,000, or Jesus’ power for miracles was not as strong as it was the first time he multiplied fish and bread.

Casting the Money Traders from the Temple: Some biblical scholars interpret the attack on the money traders (who provided an essential surface, changing currency so that visitors from other lands could buy items to sacrifice at the Temple) as an allegory for an actual armed attack on the Pharisees, those who were in collusion with the Romans overlords.  If this was true, then the attack failed, for the Pharisees remained in power. If this story was simply about one man in an outrage, it didn’t accomplish anything.

Killing the Fig Tree:  Jesus saw a fig tree and wanted to eat some figs.  Unfortunately, the tree had yet to fruit.  Instead of creating a miracle that would make fruit appear, he casts a spell…to kill the tree.  Did he not have enough power that day to produce the fruit? He was probably exhausted from attacking the money traders. Or he was simply a little pissed off that day - something that happens to all of us at one time or another.

Prayer at Gethsemane:  Before he was arrested, Jesus prays to spare him the fate of crucifixion.  Even though during the actual act he has the power to refuse pain-numbing gall, that night in Gethsemane he felt he didn’t have the power to endure his coming trials.

“Faith is a perishing of the mere self and precisely a resurrection of the true self.”

- Pope Benedict XVI, from “On the Meaning of Faith”

More Humor in the Bible (3)

RABBI: The Messiah.  From Nazareth.  You’re kidding me, right?  They don’t even know how to rub two sticks together up there.  And don’t get me started on “how many Nazarenes does it take to change a candle…”

More Humor in the Bible (2)

PAUL: These Jews for Jesus who insist non-Jewish Christians get circumcised, I wish their knives would slip and they would castrate themselves!

ALL: [much laughter]

TIMOTHY: Paul, you know that kind of humor gives me the heebie-jeebies.

More Humor in the Bible

A woman anoints Jesus by pouring expensive oil on his head and body.

JUDAS: Jesus! Why are we letting this woman anoint you with such expensive oil? It would take a carpenter a year’s wages to buy a flask of oil like that!  Shouldn’t we sell it and use the money to help the poor?

JESUS: Well, Judas, normally I’d agree with you, that it would be better to help the poor than to indulge in this luxury, but in case you’ve forgotten, I’M BEING CRUCIFIED IN A COUPLE OF DAYS!  Like I’ve only told you about this three times already.

JOHN: Badda-bing!

JUDAS: (slapping his forehead) D’oh!

JESUS: Besides, the poor aren’t going anywhere any time soon.